I love You... You love me...mwa

Gratitude

2011-05-14T03:58:00.000-07:00

You know who you are. You really encouraged me today...I hear you had helpers, please tell them thank you.

Meals and treats prepared for my family by kind women.

Thank you!!

I'd like to introduce you to:

2011-05-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

Shyla - 2 years old

Savannah - 3 yrs old

Kham - 5 yrs old

Kaleb - 9 yrs old

And I believe you know Brook-Lynn - 6 yrs old

These are the new additions to our family! They will likely be with me for about a year. Dad got busted for cocaine possession, and asked me to take them while he was in prison. CFS is in agreement, so, uh, ya..here I go!

I plan to blog about someof the craziness that is bound to arise with 8 kids and 1 parent! Wish me luck!! I figure if Kate can do plus 8 single handed, then so can I! What does she have that I don't?!

2008-09-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

I've been experiencing a strong feeling of guilt since Darcy's suicide. Not because I could have done more for her, or should have seen the signs or anything like that. But more because I know everything there is to know about her daughter. I know all of it. When she reached her milestones, what her favorite song is, where each freckle is located on her body. I know the precise moment during her tantrums when I should bend down and ask her if she needs a hug. I know everything a mother should know. Only Darcy didn't know. She missed out on all of it. Of course I would fill her in, but its not the same as experiencing it.

Today, at the funeral, I felt the resentment from her family. The looks of scorn and anger that said,"What are you doing here". Like I was responsible for the apprehension of her children. For her pain and her fall from grace. I honestly wasn't prepared for it. I accepted it and I understand the need to lash out, but it hurt. I wanted to explain some things to them, but it wasn't the time or place. So I'm afraid I'm going to explain it to you guys instead.

They talked at the funeral about Darcy the mother. How she enjoyed her time with her kids so much. Well, in three and a half years, the only time she got to see her children is if I brought them to her. I had to supervise each visit. For 2 of those years I went 4 days a week so she could feel connected to them. Never once did I tell her I was too busy. I picked her up for every doctors appointment so she could hear first hand what the doctor had to say. I brought her shopping so she could pick out Brookie's clothes herself. I brought the kids to see her at prison, the remand center, the Psych ward at HSC, mental health halfway houses, and various rehab centers. I brought her weekly to sign in at her parole officers so she wouldn't breach and get sent back to jail. Brookie chose her Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, mothers day gifts, and just because gifts. All paid for by me. And I know that most of the time those were the only gifts she received. I researched and helped her access places that could help her. I helped her move her shit from one house to another numerous times.

AAAAHHHH.... I tried to help her in everyway I know. And all they can see when they look at me is an interloper. Someone who doesn't even have a right to be at the funeral. I'm getting mad just sitting here. None of them stepped forward when Brookie was born. I did not sneak into the hospital and snatch her. I was a foster parent and she was placed in my care. I was a stranger who was willing to do what none of the family wanted to do. Raise her child, their relative.

This isn't about me feeling self important. Not at all. I just didn't want to feel so out of place. I wanted to find comfort there with other people who knew and loved her. Instead I found rejection.

Now I'm going to get really mean, and I'll likely delete it in a few days.

Where were you, you who look at me with contempt, these past 3 years while I spent time with Darcy? While I took time away from my family to make sure she saw her kids? When she had to come to my family gatherings, because you wrote her off so long ago. Who did she call every time she needed someone? Who brought her home for a hot meal when she shared she hadn't eaten in days. Who went toe to toe with social workers to advocate for her rights? Who washed her face and the blood from her hair when she was beaten beyond recognition?

And who held her daughter's hand today as she laid a single flower into the grave of her mommy. And who prompted her to say, "Good bye mommy, I love you".

I'll tell you who. Not you.

I know who will be there for Brookie, me, same as always. If that upsets you, so be it.

Rest in Peace Darcy

2008-08-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

Brookie's mom took her own life yesterday. My heart is broken for her little girl. How much sadness can one person endure? When I think of the hits this girl took in her life, it seems so unjust. Pain, abuse, addiction, rejection, guilt, loneliness...all one after another, with no real reprieve.

Today I will take her little girl shopping to buy a dress for the funeral. The last thing Darcy bought her were a sweet pair of white dress shoes, so whatever I buy will match them.

I rarely cry...but I will cry for her. It's the least I can fucking do. She deserves that.

...Darcy you know I loved you. Your little girl will grow up knowing about you. I will be honest with her about it all. I will be her mama for you. But I won't let her call me mommy, that was always reserved just for you... Please be at rest, sweet girl. Good bye.

My moment in the Lime light

2008-08-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

One of my biggest dreams has always been to sing with a band. Well, last night...I lived the dream!!

We were at a local establishment, and the band was great. I was dancing and having a blast with some friends. I noticed that "Hit me with your best shot" was on their lineup.

Before I could stop myself...I walked right upto the keyboardist and offhandedly said," Ya know, if you want a female to sing Pat Benatar, I'm your chick. My name is Joanne"

Well about five songs later, the lead vocalist announced that they had a guest singer in the house and invited me on stage.

Okay...I ROCKED IT!! I wasn't even nervous. I remembered all the words, my timing was spot on. The band members gave approving looks to one another. The crowd went crazy. My friends were taking pictures. It was such a great moment.

After I was finished, they gave me a T-shirt with their band logo on it. Imagine, giving ME a gift when they were fulfilling MY dream!

It doesn't get much better than that.

When good ideas go baaadd!

2008-07-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

I think my ego got the best of me today. I like to think there is nothing I cannot do. No one ever told me anything to the contrary. I probably wouldn't have listened had they tried!

Well, I'd like it noted that perhaps I am not the best dog groomer in the world. Probably not even the best groomer on my street. There is distinct possibility that I am not even number one in my own household! A three years old with crayola scissors could likely fair better.

There was reason for me to believe that I could be succesful at this task. I have clipped horses. I have shorn sheep. I have cut the locks of many human heads, male and female alike. Never had anything like this happen before.

Well, let me show you my Dingo - pre haircut. Lovely little rat bastard, isn't he?

And then... an hour of clipping, with dread locks flying every which way, and I present the finished product. It should be said that my intentions were good. There was no malice involved. Heck, I wasn't even mad at the little shit. Okay...here goes.

Oh...my poor, poor, used to be lovely puppy.He looks OLD. He looks SKINNY. He looks like his owners HATE HIM!!

Does the same quote for humans also apply to dogs? You know the one, "the only difference between a bad haircut and good haircut is 3 weeks?" Please say yes!

I'm sorry Dingo. If you think it will help, I will learn to knit and make you a lovely little sweater. Not much I can do about your head tho. That will just have to grow back.

The worst thing about this situation? My sister-in-law is, by trade, a PROFESSIONAL DOG GROOMER.

How you gonna explain that Jo? Miss Know it all-show off-I can do anything?!?

Being impulsive is fun alot of the time, but once in awhile it bites you in the ass!

Restless...

2008-07-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

What is it that causes me to feel so...jittery/bored/understimulated/energetic all at the same time? I constantly feel like I should be doing something, but I'm not sure what. I can't seem to sit still for a second.

I have alot of extra time on my hands since mom and baby moved out, for sure. But it seems more than that. It's like I'm not satisfied. That's it...I'm craving something, but can't put my finger on it.

I guess it'll come to me in time. Until then, I'm having a blast teaching Bella Rue to play volleyball, and my Bowflex is grateful for all the attention its getting after a neglectful couple of months. I've even hosted a BBQ, which isn't like me.

I want to dance.
I want to run.
I want to learn something new.

I want, I want, I want. Me, me, me...

Is it the time of year. Is it the season of my life?

I used to feel content most of the time and now I feel like something is missing.

I'm gonna try chocolate. Maybe I just need more sugar in my life!

The hard part

2008-07-06T06:23:00.000-07:00

Well, mom and baby moved out on Monday. The plan all along was for them to transfer to her mom's house. So we packed them up and off they went.
On Thursday, the social worker came and took the baby away from mom. There were some concerns raised and they decided baby would be safer away from his mom.
So out there in our city is a baby in a shelter, and a mom with a broken heart.

I wasn't considered for placement of the baby because he has to be somewhere that his parents don't know about. With the mental health stuff, it would be impossible to predict what their reaction could be. My gang could be at risk if he stayed here.

I'm so grateful that I have the skills and stability to raise my own children. Trusting someone else to care and guide them would be so hard. Being a parent one day and the next having empty arms, with no child to hold.

She may not have been the most experienced parent, but her love for that baby was never in question. And she had help around the clock.

Anyway, I am not the decision maker here, so I guess dealing is all I can do.

After this, I'm gonna try an upbeat post. I sound depressed, and I'm not. Just kinda sad for everyone.

Be Quiet and Listen

2008-06-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

There was an incident with mom and baby today. She somehow convinced the respite worker to leave at lunch. She then proceeded to take a bus and went to visit the baby's dad. He has intermittent explosive anger disorder and is under no circumstances allowed to have unsupervised contact with the baby.

He recently broke up with mom. She misses him and thought that if he just saw his son, he would reconsider and want to work towards being a family again. Instead he spilled hot coffee on her, just missing the baby.
And me, I was obliviously at work while it all happened. I got a call, a few details.

I'm a little ashamed to say that I was pissed. What was she thinking? She should know better. Now I have to leave work and make sure baby is okay. On the way home, I prepared a lecture that was sure to get through to her. I really needed to drive home the fact that she would lose her baby if she puts him at risk like this. I planned to tell her that her boyfriend was no good for her and that she could do better. I had a lot to say.

Then I saw her face. She knew she had messed up. She looked shattered.

Something changed in me. In an instant. It was like I could feel her pain.

I saw her loneliness. This no good boyfriend was her only friend. She has people that take her shopping and to movies and such, but they all get paid to do it. Myself included. She has no one that will spend time with her because they just plain like her. She is too low functioning to keep the interest of a "normal" friend. And she is vulnerable so she attracts manipulative people who use her and then discard her. She is sweet and outgoing so she can make friends easily, but she has not been able to maintain a platonic relationship. She is exhausting so she burns people out quickly.

Ouch. That is a horrible place to be.

Where would I be without friends? People who listen to me and share with me. Who love me and therefore affirm that I am loveable?

I didn't give her what for. There are others who will take care of that. I just listened to her and tried to understand what her life must be like. And it hurt my heart when I heard her words. All my self rightousness and anger melted. Loneliness is a terrible thing. It can cloud your judgement and make you desperate. You will grab on to anything or anyone for it to subside, even for a short spell.

I will need to address the concerns, but not right now. Right now she needs a hug.

My Dad

2008-06-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

My dad is an everyday hero.

He's important to alot of people. Let me tell you about him.

When I was growing up, my dad was an alcoholic. As the years went by, his disease got progressively worse. He was a functioning alcoholic, which meant he was able to keep a job. He was self employed, so at least he didn't have a boss to answer to. He also managed to make me a hot lunch everyday. Which I enjoyed while he had his "barley sandwich".
As my teenage years hit, I began to loathe him. He said stupid things, ridiculed my mom, was mean to my brother. I was embarassed of him. It sounds foreign to me now to be saying that, but I was.
I didn't have predictability growing up, I never knew how he would act. My mom coped by joining in the drinking on weekends. So weekends were a little crazy at my house.

I escaped when I was 19. I got married and moved away. I was then able to control how much I saw him, and how long to stay when I did visit.

Eight years ago, my mom called me from work. She said,"your dad needs you, how fast can you get home?" She thought he was going to kill himself. So did I.

Not knowing what I would find, I raced to his side.

He sat on the sofa, completely broken and defeated.

He sobbed and said."I need help"

I told him I would help him. I packed his bag, and took him to the hospital. I walked up to the desk and said, "this is my dad, he is an alcoholic. He's asked me for help and now I'm asking you for help"

He stayed for 3 weeks. As a family we had an intervention. I told him that I knew he asked me for help because he knew I would hold him accountable. And that I meant it when I told him that now that I've seen the wonderful man beneath the booze, I would accept nothing less. That if he wanted to start drinking again I, for one would not watch, nor would my kids.

He has not drank since. He attended AA in a nearby town for years. Then he decided he would start a club in his town. There was a need, and he was now strong enough to start helping others.

Whenever I'm visiting, and a member of his AA gang comes over, either they've had relapse, or they think they might, he's right there. He talks to them for awhile, or they go for a ride and spend time together. He's helped so many people.

I am proud of who he's become and I know the only way for him to have gotten there was to live his life exactly as it was. There can be no regrets, no resentment. Just admiration for battles won.

Dad, you will likely never read this, but I love you and I am proud of you.

Happy Father's Day!

ALMOST BETTER!

2008-06-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

We are so fortunate to live in Canada. When our children are sick, we take them to the doctor or the hospital and we can concentrate on their recovery. If we lived in the States, there could potentially be a life changing bill attached to the service. If we lived in a third world country, I'd likely be planning a funeral right now. So today I am grateful to be Canadian.

Don't worry, I'm not going to start singing O Canada.

Here is a little pic of baby and me. He is now tube free and out of intensive care. He's looking at a few more days in the hospital, but not long now.

It's been one heck of a week. Now that the crisis is seemingly behind us, I gotta say. I am so effing tired, Beyond tired even. I have been torn for seven days, trying to decide where I should spend my time. I was spread a little too thin and as a result I felt I wasn't really effective anywhere.

Anyway, being able to hold and comfort baby boy today reminded me what its all about.

I wish I had a clever quote to end with but I don't. Too effing tired to think of one.

update on Baby Boy

2008-05-31T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to give an update on my foster baby's condition. It has been a really rough week for him. On Thursday they ended up putting him on a respirator and inserted a central line. He has to be sedated around the clock because this is really scary for him. He now has a feeding tube inserted and is receiving high calorie formula as well as his IV. He looks pretty terrible. I'm posting a pic, but it's not easy to look at. Even with all the tubes and moniters, you can see how nice his color is. So mush better than 3 days ago. Thank God for that. We have been reassured that he is doing as well as we can expect and is stable.

At one point yesterday his breathing machine malfunctioned and he turned gray and blue and it was very alarming. But they got it working quickly and he pinked up right away.

He was awake for awhile when I got there today and he just stared at me. I wonder what he thinks of our world.

Well that's all I have to report.

Thanks to everyone who contacted me to find out how he's doing. I appreciate your concern.

Please Pray

2008-05-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

My foster son is very, very sick. He caught a virus and because he was born too soon, and is so young, it has become a serious infection.

They believe the infection could have spread to his blood, or his brain. He is desperately ill.

He will likely be intubated overnight as he was tiring rapidly from working so hard to breathe. They are planning a spinal tap and a central line for him as well.

He was fine this morning, now he is in intensive care.

Please pray for him. Thank you.

Sweet Sweet baby

2008-05-09T05:07:00.000-07:00

This is who's been occupying my spare time this week. He is the sweetest little guy!

It's been an interesting week, with new people coming and going all the time, from social workers, respite providers to visitors for the mom and baby. I've never kept my house this clean for so many days in a row!

This is working out smoother than I thought it would. Thank you to all who've been keeping us in your prayers.

See ya!

Guess What?

2008-05-01T20:54:00.000-07:00

It's a BOY!

Tomorrow I am picking up a 5 day old preemie to come live at my house. I only found out yesterday that he needed a home. That didn't give me a whole lot of time to nest! But I managed to dig out the cradle(yes the same one that bears the name of several Niverville infants) and round up a car seat.

I went to the hospital to visit him today. He is perfect. His mom did no drugs, didn't drink, didn't smoke and took good care of herself and the baby. Nice change! He is big enough to be discharged.

I am trying something new. I am going to be fostering his mom as well. We have one month for mommy to show she has what it takes parent her little guy. After that they will determine a long term plan for him.

I am very excited, but a little wary as well. As I work full time, there will be a daytime supervisor for mom and baby that will be coming to my house. I'm not sure how I feel about strangers roaming around when I'm not there. Also, what will it be like to have another woman living in my house? The baby has to be in my room and I have to supervise every feed, will this make me too tired to work? AHHHH, my head is spinning!

When I first heard of their story, I tried to not get involved. My life is pretty easy right now. My kids are older, I can get away pretty much whenever I want. I have stability and am comfortable.

But the voice in my heart said,"You have room for her. You are good with newborns. You are a good teacher...It just makes sense" And it does. I love newborn babies soooo much. I often wondered why God made me supersized, with rough man hands, if he planned for me to make my lifes work holding babies? Should I not be tiny with delicate, moisturised hands? Apparently not!

Behind this arrangement is a social worker who is going the extra mile. She had 3 days to come up with a placement for this baby. But she did not want to break the mom's heart. So, she could have just taken him from his mom and put him in a foster home. And let them visit once a week. But instead, she spent all day yesterday and today filling out forms, checking out my house, interviewing me, checking my references, finding a day time support staff AND making her supervisor go along with the plan.

So, we do have a shady child welfare system, but there are some who are willing to be creative and take a chance in the name of doing the right thing.

Anyways....I guess fear and excitement go hand in hand. The excitement is outweighing the fear at this moment. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

WISH ME LUCK!

2008-02-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

THE GREATEST VALENTINES GIFT EVER!

10 years ago, on Valentines Day, I gave birth to the loveliest blonde haired baby boy.

It is so fitting that he is born on a day that is dedicated to love and chocolate. His heart has always been so big and he has always felt things more deeply than most. And Keats is about the biggest chocoholic I know.

Keats is so thoughtful and considerate of everyone. He despises injustice and will always try right a wrong.

I have to guard his heart a little, he is senstitive. Wonderfully so.

I am fiercely protective over my middle child. I always have been. You wanna piss me off, mess with Keats. You want a wild card into my good graces, tell me what a great kid he is.

HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY, MY LITTLE VALENTINE!!!

I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK!

Look at me! I'm finally 3!!!

2008-02-10T20:12:00.000-08:00

Here is Brookie... At 3 days old. Her first day with me.

Here she is at 3 months old..Has me firmly wrapped..

And now she is 3 YEARS old!!!

What can I say about Brook? You can see how lovely she is, even with her pout. This bottom lip she pulls is my absolute weakness. She is determined, independant, joyful, affectionate, strong willed. She is clever, funny, talented and adventerous.

"She did not grow in my womb...but she grew in my heart"

I Love you my Brookie Cookie! Happy Birthday!!!

Extreme Makeover - Bella style

2008-01-13T17:05:00.000-08:00

She's been asking for a long time. I could never bring myself to have it done.

Then...last Friday I spent an entire hour combing through the tangles of her lovely locks.

I turned and looked at her and asked if she still wanted that haircut. She said, "Oh ya..."

As luck would have it, Steven, my hair guy was available the next day. I think he's been dying to get ahold of her hair for some time now.

First, the ponytails had to go. Then...after an hour of snipping and texturizing(the likes of which woud make Edward Scissorhands envious), the final result was achieved.

Despite the nonchalant look on her face, she is thrilled with her new look! And in the morning, when it took me all of 2 minutes to get her ready, I jumped on the happy train as well.

2008-01-01T00:05:00.000-08:00

MY NEW YEARS BABY!!!

Aiden James...

He is quiet, but thoughtful. He is witty, but not obnoxious. He is clever, but not a smartass. He is introverted, yet friendly.

He is a well balanced, smart, beautiful young man and I am so proud to be his mom.

Happy 14th birthday AJ. I love you...

My First MEME

2007-11-13T21:15:00.000-08:00

8 things I am passionate about

1. My family

2. My God

3. My Country

4. Food

5. The child welfare system

6. Understanding addictions

7. Hockey

8. Choosing happiness

8 Things I want to do before I die

1. See my children grow and become parents.

2. Work in an orphanage in Africa with Loralie.

3. Go to England with Jamie.

4. Fix my broken relationsip with my sister in law.

5. Become a PCP.

6. Record a song ( to leave behind)

7. Perfect my slapshot.

8. See changes for children in care.

8 Things I say often

1. If I'm right, and I usually am...

2. I love you to the moon and back.

3. When do you think you'll be home?

4. K guys, lets do a ten minute tidy!

5. I'm starving!

6. I'll do it!!! (with my hand raised in the air)

7. When is the last time you saw it?

8. Good morning, Manitoba Foster Family Network...Joanne Speaking.

8 Books I've read recently

1. The time traveller's wife.

2. George Muller

3. Diary of a street kid.

4. Don't tell dad the vacuum cleaners broken.

5. Tales of a fourth grade nothing.

6. Farmer Boy

7. How to live at the beach

8. Raising your spirited child

8 Songs I could lsten to over and over again.

1. Heaven can wait - Meatloaf

2. What's going on? - 4 non blondes

3. O holy night - Martina McBride

4. The wheels on bus - Brookie Cookie

5. When you say nothing at all - Bella Rue

6. The water is wide - Jewel, Sarah McLaughlin

7. Here by the water - anyone

8. Jesus take the wheel - Carrie Underwood

8 Things that attract me to my Best Friend

1. She's pretty

2. She has a sweet van.

3. She laughs at my jokes

4. She loves my children as her own.

5. She is always truthful to me, because she trusts me

6. She is comfortable sharing all her emotions

7. She is accepting of people's differences. She actually embraces the differences.

8. She always seems to be on the same journey as me, it's nice to have someone to walk the distance with.

8 Things I've learned this past year

1. The tooth fairies price sky rocketed, alot

2. 2 year olds are fun when all the other kids are much older.

3. Crest White strips make my teeth very sensitive.

4. That working full time and maintaining a clean house are not compatible.

5. That if I stay up until midnight, I will sleep through the night.

6. That not having time to volunteer at the kids' school sucks.

7. That brownie uniforms are orange and navy, not brown like in my day.

8. That goldfish can survive in my house after all.

If I'm not making sense, forgive me

2007-11-02T14:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, a man came into our office and asked to speak with me. I was in a training session, but I was told it sounded important. I went to meet him.

I immediately knew something was wrong. He smelled very strongly of alcohol and his eyes were wild.

We went to my office (alone, my first mistake). What happened next is all scattered in my mind. Partially because his thoughts and words were so random and all over the place. Partially, because I was terrified.

He did not phsically harm me, but never in my life have I been gripped by fear so intense. He was talking about foster parents abusing kids, his attempted suicides, his attempted murder of a foster parent. And he was mad, because these are the people I spend my time supporting and helping. I can only assume he was once in care and he was harmed by someone.

Finally my boss heard him in his agitated state and came to see what was going on. But for about 20 minutes, I was alone with this man and I trully thought I was going to die. He was a man with nothing to lose and had made it clear that he feared neither death nor prison. I kept thinking, this is it. This damn office is the last thing I'll see.

He did leave, without so much as laying a finger on me. But something was changed in me.

I have always thought myself to be a strong woman, not afraid of much. But I'm on day two of shaking and hyperventilating. I'm very surprised by my reaction to this incident. Someone touches my shoulder and I hit the roof. The elevator opens and my heart pounds in my ears. His smell was still there this morning.

I hope this passes soon. I'm a mess and I'm not sure why I'm so affected. It's not like I was assaulted. I feel like a coward.
Thank God it Friday.

SAY IT ISN'T SO!!

2007-10-09T21:36:00.000-07:00

I found out something disturbing today. As you may have heard, high schools across the city are becoming "junk food" free zones. Gone are the greasy fries from the cafeteria, the chips and candy bars, and pop vending machines. Healthier choices are now available for the kids.
I embraced this practice and send AJ to school with a well balanced lunch. Brain food if you will. I feel good as a parent for helping to enforce the school's efforts to reduce childhood obesity.
Then I read about these delinquent teenagers who are "dealing" pop and candy in the halls of the schools. Some peoples' kids. Sheesh! I was kind of annoyed. As if these kids can't make it through a day without large doses of sugar. AS IF!!

Today I found out that my little treasure is one of the "dealers" at Elmwood High. (hangs head in shame)

His buddy filled me in on his new career as smuggler, dealer, probably USER of forbidden substances.

I was surprised, but probably shouldn't have been, as this is the same kid who sold all his halloween candy in 5th grade. Made a killing too.
So he buys pop cheap and sells it for an inflated price to sugar junkies. And lines his pockets with dirty money...

We chatted about it and decided it should be the end of his bootlegging. He really didn't see any harm. It's just root beer right? Well yes, but its also breaking rules and diminishing school spirit.

Whats next, moonshine and mary jane? Good Grief. That boy.

Another day, another dilemma! Such is the life of a mamabear.

Let's see if I got this right...

2007-09-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

Only 3 More Sleeps!

Hockey starts on Friday. I've been waiting and waiting. In preparation, I went to Canadian Tire to but a couple of replacer peices of equipment. Seeing I was still using some of my old ringette stuff from the 80's, I figured it was time to treat myself to some brand new, never been used by anyone else but me equipment.

I really needed elbow pads. So I found a great pair and brought them to the till to pay. She charged me for each one! So I asked her, are those not sold as a pair? "Oh I don't know" So some young guy, also an employee says, " there sold seperately" So I asked if there were alot of one armed hockey players out there (rude, I know). He tells me its in case you lose one, you can just come back and buy the one. I said, if I lose one, I'll come back and buy a new PAIR. "Uh...then you'd have three" was his reply. I'm not sure why, but I felt annoyed. I asked him if shoes were also sold seperately for this reason, or socks, or mittens. He looked at me like I was comparing apples and oranges!

Finally I just requested that he call the sports department and inquire on my behalf. He did and guess what? They were sold as a pair. Who would have thought?

I am now the proud owner of 2 elbow pads. Not one, nor three. Just two. Also 2 new shin pads(there was never a question about whether they were sold as seperate items. THAT would be silly).

So, now I just gotta wait 3 more days to wear my crisp new gear and skate my summer sized butt off! Roll on Friday!

So, does Bella Rue LOVE grade 2?

2007-09-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well, it was only her first day, but it COULD have gone better! An after school monkey bar mishap caused her some grief.

She fell and broke her upper arm. She did a really good job of it too. We are waiting for the the orthopedic specialist to call so he can set and pin it. This will be the first time any of my kids has even been put under. Yikes.

On a lighter note...did y'all know that a 7 yr old on morphine can sleep standing up? It's true!

Looks like we made it...Another year!

2007-08-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

Happy 14th Anniversary Jay!

10 things I love about you...

1. How easy it is to make you laugh, that deep belly laugh that makes your eyes water.

2. How you pray over the kids each night. The same prayer every night, they wait for it and you always deliver.

3. How if you get home form work first, you make supper. Even if it's almost always steak! Have I mentioned you make great steak?

4. The way you fill my van up with gas whenever you get in it!

5. The way you support me in whatever new endeavor I take on. (2 infants? Sure babe, whatever makes you happy!!)

6. When I catch you looking at me in that way. You make me feel like the hottest thing out there.

7. When you cry at movies. I know I make fun of you, but I am touched that you feel safe to cry in front of me and that you feel things deeply.

8. That you refuse to fight with me. I tend to want to escalate quickly and you keep me in check. You make me wait and warn me that when I'm pissed, my words are harsh.

9. The father you are to our children. They will learn great things from you about hard work, perserverance, affection. Our kids know how lucky they are. You also fill a space for our kids' friends who have absentee fathers. You provide a role model for them as well.

10. And last but not least, for always loving me with your whole heart. There were years when I took more than I gave in this relationship and thank you for giving so freely and happily. I never have doubted that you love me and I plan to spend the next 14 years giving back to you all the love you poured on me.

LOVE YA JAY!!!

Folklorama Mama

2007-08-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Much like the Folklorama Llama, I can be found most evenings visiting one of the pavillions of this years cultural extravaganza. I am enjoying taking my kids to sample various cultures, foods, music and ways of life. Well, most of my kids, AJ would rather DIE than experience anything other than the computer!

First stop...The Caribbean for a little Limbo. These dancers are powerful! I tried doing the limbo on New Years Eve and almost put myself out of commision. Ate Jamaican Patties and drank Red Stripe, my favorite beer.

Next... The luck o' the Irish at the Celtic pavillion. I was lucky to have been given VIP passes to this one and its a good thing as the line up is soooo long. We got the best seats in the house and and loved the show. The smallest dancer is Bella Rue's best friend and we got a lovely smile and wave during the show. Very special. We chowed on Shepherds pie and trifle. Bella Rue said she doesn't like trifle so I HAD to eat hers as well. Pity.

And then... Brazil. 1 word describes these people. SEXY. The music, the dancing, the people. Wow. I'm sure there ARE unattractive people hiding out in Brazil, but they didn't bring them to the show! Tried watermelon soup and Brahma beer. Not the best combination I have to say. Both are tasty, but not to be enjoyed at the same time.

Saturday we went to the Metis pavillion. We had BL with us and for some reason, instead of saying "dancing", she kept saying "assassin". I wanna see the assassin. She had Keats in hysterics. There was a 7 yr old boy who could jig like nobodies business. Of course, I ate fried bannock(truthfully one of my favorite foods and the main reason I chose this pavillion)

And Sunday we went to Japan. We watched fan dancers and Taiko drumming. Guess which one of these activities I signed up to learn? There is a workshop in September and I am PUMPED.

I've got a whole line up of shows planned for this week. It's a pity Folklorama only lasts for two weeks.

Still struggling...

2007-07-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

As the story unfolds to our staff at the Network, our hearts sink lower and lower. There is a constant knot in the pit of my stomach. His pictures are posted in our lunch room. We are not allowed to forget for a second. We are privy to the details that we don't necessarily want to hear. But we have to listen. We get the panicked phone calls from other foster parents who are facing letting their little ones go back to family. Family they have never met.
I just wanted to say that I am struggling with this. The more I hear, the more my frustration rises. I hope I am able to meet the needs of the others who are calling me for help. They want me to tell them their kids won't be taken. I can't ever do that. If an agency is hell bent on reunifying natural families, then that's exactly what they'll do. All I can do is buy foster families a bit of time. And help them find what all of us have. The ability to let go, when no other choice is given.

Our little people

2007-07-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

Another child in care died this week. He had been removed from a home, where he was safe and cared for so that he could be with family. That is the big issue these days. Children belong with family. Culture is being lost. The child won't know about his heritage.
I'm all for family pride, and for passing along our beliefs and customs to the next generation. But these members of the family need to be trained on how to raise broken, confused, often alcohol affected children. Just passing a child abuse check and police check doesn't make you equipped to deal with a fragile human. Education, support groups, respite workers, and involvement from your agency are all necessary. These tragedies will continue to happen until each foster home utilizes all of the resources available.
It's just a horrible situation. A woman, probably not a bad person, thought she had what it took to raise these two little people. She had love. That should do it, right? It isn't enough. If you want to build a house, desire alone is not going to cut it. You need tools, you need lumbar, you need skills. Why should raising a troubled toddler be any different? Why were these little ones placed in her home when she didn't have the proper training? Raising children in care is so different than raising your own kids. They have deep hurts, attachment issues, guilt, fear, insecurity. Their bodies have scars. They act out and test daily, to see what your limit is. Their brains are often damaged in the womb and they don't learn and remember the rules like our children do. They can frustrate the hell out of you.
I could never have cared for my foster children, using only the skills I aquired by raising my own kids. I relied on every ounce of training that I was given. Even then, I had to take frequent breaks to take care of myself. It's tough. I can't imagine taking two toddlers, with no support, no respite, no training. Just winging it. It was a disaster waiting to happen.
There is a former foster mom of this boy who is mourning him. She sat with him as he hung on to life, and as he was leaving his battered body. It is a foster parents worst nightmare. The little guy did not leave her home because she wanted him to. She had no control over that. She is not even sure if she'll be allowed to attend his funeral. She is looking to the Network for help to deal with this and we are at a loss. What do you say?
I'm feeling so many conflicting emotions. I'm sad for the foster mom, the bio parents, the extended family and yes, for the woman who reached her breaking point and did harm to a child. I'm mad at her too. And I'm mad at the system, which is so painfully flawed.
Mostly, I'm tearful as I think of all the placements that have left my home for a family members home. I pray they are safe and happy. I hope they remember me. I will never forget any of them.

Rest in peace little man...the world was not kind to you. I'm sorry your life wasn't better here. No more pain, fear, or tears. Just a perfect little angel, safe in heaven

And then the Light Bulb went off...(a little to late)

2007-07-12T15:06:00.000-07:00

After being the recipient of good will the other day, I was just waiting for the opportunity to present itself where I could do a kind deed for another. And today, such a situation arose.

A man ran out of gas right in front of my office building. I watched the poor guy try repeatedly to start his darn van and could read the frustration all over his face.

I asked him if he ran out of gas. He did indeed. Wondering why he didn't just walk to the gas station down the street, it occurred to me that he must not have any money on him.

I asked if he had cash, to which he replied, nothing at all. So I told him I could hook him up with 20 bucks and proceeded to do just that. He said he'd pay me back, but I said(as per Brandy's suggestion) that I didn't want him to pay me, but rather to do something nice for someone else. He was very grateful.

So I went out for lunch with my mom and when I got back, the car was still there. I was perplexed for a minute until I saw the police car come up.
Then reality set in.
I walked up to the officer and asked quietly, "Is this van stolen? He replied, "Ya, did you see the guy?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I did. AND I kindly gave him money for a cab to leave the crime scene!"

So, now I aided and abetted a criminal, became the laughing stock of my work place and ended up having to give a description of the guy and could possibly have to point him out if he gets caught. All in the name of paying it forward!!!

My intentions were good. The outcome was ironic. Isn't life a hoot?

Random Act of Kindness

2007-07-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

Last night a friend and I stopped at Starbucks in between meetings. She confidently walked up and ordered herself a beverage. Once she stepped aside, I stepped up and stared blankly at the girl serving. I had stage fright, fearing that words like "Iced Cap" or "double double" would spew outa my mouth. I do not know how to order at Starbucks. Feeling foolish, I moved to one side and told a little old lady to go ahead of me. I explained to her that I had no idea what to order. While she was making her selection, I decided that I was just going to sit down and not order at all. I said as much to the little old lady.

I watched her leave the coffee shop as I chatted with my friend.

A couple of minutes later, what should appear in front of me but a raspberry mocha frappuccino blended coffee!! It was beautiful, complete with whipped topping and raspberry drizzle. And a little note with its name written on it.

This little old lady bought me a drink, and gave me the means to order my own in the future. I was so touched.

There is nothing like an unexpected kindness to fill ones heart to overflowing. This time, kindness came in the form of a coffee. And coffee never tasted so good...

OH CANADA! Our home and native land...

2007-07-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

I love my country. Always have. So imagine my surprise when I took a quiz about all things Canadian and BOMBED! I got 4 answers correct out of a possible 16. Yikes.

Think you can do better? I sure hope so! If you want to give it a try go to http://www.canadadayquiz.com/

Good Luck!!

And here I thought dressing your kids in red and white on Canada Day made you a good Canadian. Haha.

Small town Fair = Aphrodesiac??

2007-06-10T10:11:00.000-07:00

It was so much fun to see my home town in full swing at the annual fair. I so enjoy the atmosphere on the Friday night. It's so funny the different reactions you have to people. I have put these reactions into a few categories.

1.Friends that you are really excited to see, so you stand chatting for ages, not caring that you are blocking the only entrance to the food stands.

2. Yummy Mommys. I try to avoid these well kept women. They make me feel frumpy. I can see them look me up and down. Ya Ya I peaked in high school, big deal!

3. Ex boyfriends. UUgh. I dated a few guys from rural Manitoba. They all seem to come to the fair!! Quick hello and keep walking.

4. The double takers. These people have changed ALOT since high school. Your not sure if it's who you think it is, so you smile and once again, keep walking.

5. People who haven't changed a bit. Still single, no kids, same face with no worry lines. Same figure and same size jeans. Time to move on..

6. Parents of people you graduated with. They love to fill you in on how great their children are doing. And they leave nothing out. Half an hour later your still there listening to them go on and on and on...

7. You run into someone near the porta potties, they ask you to wait while they pee and as soon as the door shuts you grab your kids and bolt!!! Huh? Where'd she go? RH+ taught me this one.

And that is my perception of the fair. What I love best is seeing all the children of people I used to know. Seeing people from days gone by in the role of parents.

Speaking of being a parent, did you know that 2 of my children were conceived during the Fair weekend? It's true. I guess my bodies reaction to Fireworks is to ovulate! So now the question is, will we be seeing a new Thornhill in February? I guess time will tell. The fireworks were fantastic!

Oh ya, almost forgot... halfway through the night I realized to my horror that my FLY WAS OPEN!! Shit, now I know why people were looking me up and down!! I hate it when that happens! I tried to tell myself that it probably just happened, but the reality is it had most likely been that way for some time. Bummer.

There's 2 days I'll never get back!

2007-05-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I spent the ENTIRE weekend in training. 2 full days learning how to properly install a carseat. So I have a new title. I no longer wish to be known as housekeeper extraordinaire, supermom, sex goddess, or fashionista. My new claim to fame is Certified Car Seat Installation Technician.

Don't envy me. You too, could become this highly prestigious tech. You just have to be willing to sacrifice you whole weekend to the cause.

Upside... me in a roomful of firefighters. Kinda cool. But none of them would have made the calender. They were, however, very funny and made an otherwise dreadfully long 2 days bearable.

I was asked if I'd be interested in joining the Car Seat Coalition. After much deliberation, I declined. I thought it might interfere with the Playpen Group or Crib Club I already belong to. I find it hard to believe that there are people who are that passionate about "child restraining systems".

I did learn alot. I learned what UAS, ELR, ALR are. I learned that a pool noodle can make a car seat fit much better. I learned that children should be kept in booster seats until they are 12. (Any one have a 12 yr old they could sell that to?)

I WANT MY WEEKEND BACK!

Seriously, if you need help properly installing your seats, or have questions, please ask me. I would love to use my new knowledge!

Don't Tell AJ!

2007-05-24T21:00:00.000-07:00

Well at least all you girls had at least some photos of the same gender. I had no idea AJ was so pretty!! Bella Rue is a cross between Dakota Fanning and Rick Schroeder. And Keats is a dead ringer for Venus Williams. Hmmmm.

I had NO idea!!!

2007-05-24T15:43:00.000-07:00

Did y'all know I was this attractive? And why did no one tell me?

MIAMI INK INSPIRED

2007-05-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

Are there any Miami Ink fans out there? Does anyone else get a little rush from watching people sit through a mini torture session? Hehe, I love it.

Even more than watching it, I love being the one getting tattooed. Especially when you can't see the finished product til its done. The guy could be scratching anything and there would be no way to know. Imagine... asking for a rose and getting Homer Simpson permanently etched on your back!!

Now I might be talking like I'm a big collector (I think they call people who have alot of body art collectors), but I'm not. I have a whopping 2 tattoos. But I'm sure I'll get more.

The 2 I have were chosen to represent the two most important things in my life.

First and foremost is my Faith. I had a cross put on my foot as a reminder that my tab has been paid in full. I find it easier to be forgiving knowing that I have been forgiven.

My latest Tat represents my family. I "borrowed" the idea from... you guessed it... Miami Ink. I used my family's birth flowers and had it customized just for me.

The daisy in the centre is the flower for April. Both J and I are born in April. On the right is a carnation. This one is for January. Our AJ is a New Years baby. To the left is a violet. This is February's flower. Keats and Bella Rue both fall in this month. The petal that appears to be falling off represents BL, who is also a February child. The petal is actually not falling off, but hanging on firmly. This image has been very comforting for me.

This is how I view us. Each flower is beautiful individually. But only when the flowers are put together do they compliment eachother perfectly.

Anyone else have a tattoo story? I'd love to hear it!!!!

Ummm, this is a little embarassing!! (blushes)

2007-05-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have something in my heart that I feel needs to be shouted from the mountaintops. Okay, I searched for mountains and there were none. I work on the third floor of 555 Broadway. That'll have to do.

I'm not a mushy person. At all. That's why I am so surprised by this overwhelming urge to declare my love for _____. But I love everything about ____. When I walk into a room where______ is, I smile. I breathe in the scent and genuinely feel happy. When I stroll in my neighbourhood and pass by _____ , I feel blessed that the encounter took place.

If you haven't already guessed, I'll just say it. Loud and Proud.

I LOVE LILACS!!!

It's true. I love them. I was given a bouquet of them this morning from a co worker. I squealed and ran to put them in water, before something terrible happened to them. I love receiving them from children as well. It has to be my favorite gift ever!!!

Was there ever something that said, "I'm thinking about you right now" more clearly? I think not.

Thank you Leeeese, for the lilacs. And for making my inner bleeding heart shine. Man I hope J never reads this. Then he'll know my weakness.

Oh BTW, I LOOOOVE LILACS!!!!!!

Have a great day everyone!!!!

blah

2007-05-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

It's been touch and go there for a few days, but it looks like I'll survive. If you had asked me yesterday or the day before, my answer would have been different. Its been a hard go, but I have a fighting nature and will not simply roll over and throw in the towel.

No, boot camp has not been too much for me. I actually wouldn't know, as I haven't been since last Tuesday. What has plagued me is the good old fashioned flu. Influenza. Besides all the physical symptoms - fever, muscle aches, difficulty breathing, continuous coughing, I have the little voice in my head saying, "you turned down the flu shot...why??"

Never again. When that little shot first becomes available, I'm gonna get a sleeping bag and camp outside the nearest clinic. I've done this for concert tickets, and I'll do it for the flu shot.

I might have been able to recover a little quicker if I could have had the weekend to relax some. BUT.. The Network (my place of employment) decided to hold a conference in Gimli for 100 foster parents from all over MB. That's right, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Too add insult to injury, there was Karaoke on Friday night and I had no voice with which to entertain. A wee bit of torture for someone like me. Then there was the never ending buffets. Each meal was a feast of all you can eat goodness and I had no appetite and no sense of taste. More torture. Then there was the beautiful hot tub that looked so inviting, but could not be enjoyed by me, because of my already way to high core body temperature. UUUGH.

Wow, I am really feeling sorry for my self heh? Well enough of that. I did meet a lot of really wonderful foster parents(half of whom probably woke up sick this morning as I shook alot of hands. OOOPS). I spent some time with an aboriginal elder who I found very inspiring. And I clocked alot of overtime.

My parents and brother came up to Gimli to meet on Sunday for Mother's Day. That was so great. We went for a walk down the beach and Bl and me found a million seashells. AJ presented me with a beautiful necklace he bought for me. I was so touched. He can be so thoughtful. Bella Rue made me a flower and put it in a brass vase. She also filled a paper bag with all her prized possessions,(sleeping cat figurine, chips ahoy cookies, 2 pastels, hair bobbles and a beautiful hand made card.) Keats worked very hard on a huge paper flower for me. On each petal he wrote an attribute of mine that he loves.( or ones he chose from a list on the black board!)

I have really great kids. AND a really great mom. And eventually the flu will find a new victim and leave me the heck alone!!

Ha ha. I wrote this on Monday, just posting it now. OLD NEWS!!! Am feeling better already, YAY!!

Oh but I'm a sucka for punishment.. Bring it on AZ!!

2007-05-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

Boot Camp. What a concept. You pay a guy $350 and fill out a few forms. You feel fantastic for taking control of your personal fitness. You wait with anticipation for your first day. Lo and behold, the morning of your debut arrives and you jump out of bed at 5:10 am. That's right. Not even the early birds have begun their morning rituals, but you are groping around in the dark trying to find your sports bra. Sporting said bra, you set out on your grand adventure.

I'm embarassed to say that I thought it would be a cinch. I consider myself an athlete. There is no has been here folks. I guess I thought the 50 odd pounds I carry as dead weight wouldn't have an impact on my performance. After all, it's not new poundage. I've been this size for 7 years. Whatever I thought, I made a mistake. When I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. I WAS SO, SO WRONG!!!

My come uppance came within the initial 5 minute warmup. AZ apparently has a broken stopwatch. Musta lasted 1/2 hour, that jog. Then came the lunge walk. I finished about 6th in my group. Felt great about that. Then AZ sneered and said, "Good, do it again". I beg your pardon? I'm pretty sure this activity is much harder for me on account of my height. Makes sense right? Long legs, more muscles to pull, longer way for the knee to contact the ground. Those other women have a clear advantage over me.

Next came work with the medicine ball... Contrary to the traditional use of the term medicine, this ball....this, this ball...words of description fail me. Its sole purpose is to take an already difficult workout and make it hurt. It comes with an unwritten guarantee. Whatever muscle group the black and blue ball targeted will scream at you for at least two days. If hamstrings are involved, give yourself four days.

Doesn't help that my partner of choice is a real keener. After boot camp each day, Keener goes to the local pool and swims 30 lengths. And she walks 5 kms each lunch hour. And she golfs on a regular basis. And did I mention, she is MY partner?

We do a lot of skipping, hurdles, sprints and other fun anaerobic activities. This is the one thing hockey has prepared me for. These I attack with a vengeance. I can sometimes beat Keener in these areas. My competitive nature really shines here.

Each day I find that a new ache replaces the old one on a rotational basis. My coworkers are a little tired of my bitching. Todays pain de jour is my groin. Yes girls can pull their groin too!

As is true in most areas of life, if you look closely at pain and suffering, you can usually find a man lurking nearby. This scenario is no different. He is the instructor. I will call him AZ. The smile he wears is the same smile that all sadists have when they accomplish their goal of torture. Just look at him grinning...That is one sick individual!!!

In all truthfullness, AZ is awesome. I would never get up at that unGodly hour if I wan't having a great time. And Keener keeps me pushing myself beyond what I think I can do.

The best part is, I can see results. That is what makes it sustainable. If I can notice the difference in myself after two weeks, then it is worth all the anguish.

And I feel good about myself. I am doing it, 5 days a week. I am working hard and learning things that I can continue long after boot camp is over.

HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND!!!!!!

Are You NUTS??????

2007-05-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

So times are changing. It becomes more clear to me every stinking day. I have a teenage son, who is my pride and joy. He is intelligent, artistic, and possesses the same sense of humour as his mom. So needless to say we have a lot of fun together. I won't comment on his personal hygeine, but those of you with teenage boys know what that is about.

Okay, so above teenage boy comes to me the other day and says he has been invited to a birthday party. (I'm thinking, oh great, now I have to shell out 20 bucks for this b-day child). Then he tells me its a sleep over. I'm like...do I know him...do I know his parents...where does he live...? Please note, AJ goes to Elmwood High. There is great cause for concern.

Then he tells me the party is for Michelle. So I answer back, "unless Michel is a french boy on exchange from Quebec, my answer is no". He informed me that Michelle is indeed a girl and that she is having a sleep over for both boys and girls.

I'm pretty sure I watched this on Oprah. A whole hour on the Co-ed Sleepover. What is this about? Sleepovers are for painting nails, peircing body parts, sharing deep secrets and passing gas at will(remember 13th birthday, Niverville girls?). Not to mention impromptu exorcisms and dance contests. Why would anyone want to mess with that? Boys at a sleepover?? So wrong on so many levels.

Fortunately, Aj did not argue this, but saw the look on my face that told him, this subject is not open for discussion. I told him that my job is to not allow him to enter situations that he is not emotionally mature enough for. He was okay with that and I told him we would take him to a movie instead. He could even bring a friend, as long as its a male friend!!

But I do feel for Michelle. Never met her, but it seems like her mom is more willing to keep the peace and give in to her daughter than to teach her to respect herself. Its okay to say NO. Sometimes its the best way to say I LOVE YOU.....

I love you AJ.. mwa

xoxoxo

2007-05-02T16:43:00.000-07:00

Our House....In the middle of our Street...

I was walking home from my friend WeeWee's house yesterday and I realised that alot of people I know and consider friends have never seen my house. Then it dawned on me that maybe I never invited them over. Well, I know I am not the most hospitable woman in the world, but that is pretty bad.
So, I figured I could do one of two things. I could invite you all over and risk the embarassment when no one came (feels a momentary wave of self pity)

OR.....

I could use this here blog and show you a picture. This seems easy and eliminates the need for me to scurry around cleaning up, so here it is. My home.

This is where I live with my family. This house was built in 1913. It has a lot of the quaint little things that old homes have, detailed windows, cool bannister, foot deep baseboards, extremely high heating bills. It has four levels. Basement houses the token teenager. AJ has the whole downstairs to himself. We moved him down there after a few very loud sleepovers. He never looked back.

There is no bathroom omn the main floor. You have to go up or down. My butt is pretty tight from all that climbing. 2nd floor has four bedrooms. Ours, Bella Rue's, Keats, and BL. Floor 3 has 2 toy rooms. One is full of pink and purple houses and every Littlest Pet Shop animal known to man. The other is full of Lego. I don't go in there, something about stepping on Lego that can make even the most patient person use words that would make a trucker blush!!

So that's my big ol' casa. The best part of where I live is my neighborhood. Somehow affluenza has not grabbed hold of this area. People are not always trying to one up each other. Renovations are done when something breaks, not to improve the marketability of the home. I know my neighbors well. On one side is Johnny Squatter Mullet Man. He is always on his front porch so we chat alot. On the other side is Jake. He is a 30 year old womanizer who claims he has converted 4 lesbians to hetero in one summer. He is in a band (drummer, my luck) and can be heard practicing at all hours.

This is the steet I live on. When these trees are green it is breath taking. Or when the ice clings to the branches. Amazing. If Dutch Elm Disease ever makes its way to my street, I would be devastated.
Another major bonus is that my dear Friend WeeWee lives just around the corner. Its so awesome to have her so close. It makes Winnipeg seem that much smaller.

So besides having 3 bikes stolen, having to install a state of the art alarm system, and oh ya...did I mention the heating bills?, I am very happy with where we decided to set up camp. Stop by some time. You would be welcome!!!

Here goes Nothing!!

2007-04-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I never thought I'd be doing this!! I haven't even said anything yet and I already feel exposed. Kinda like letting someone see you naked for the first time. Not just anyone, like showering after hockey, or at the "Y". But someone who's opinion matters.

A friend of mine told me that I might enjoy this blogging business. She seems to get a lot of peace and sanity from it so I decided to give it a go.

I decided to do this today of all days because it is Sunday. Sunday is my favorite day of the week and it is also my hardest day. I spend this day with my entire family. In my troop there is myself, JayJay, AJ, Keats, Bella Rue and BL.

BL is our former foster child and now we co parent her with her bio dad. We were her first family and our intentions are to be part of her life forever. We get to spend every weekend with her and we treasure every minute.

Yesterday we went to the zoo. BL was asleep on my shoulder. Everyone was busy getting food and so I took a moment to sit on a bench with her. I breathed in her toddler scent and felt her chest rise and fall. I felt a calm and fullness that a mother only feels when all her little people are safe and happy. Strangers stopped to smile and say how sweet and content she looked. I'm so glad she finds that peace with me.

When she woke up, we took the tour. The older kids have been here so often, but they don't mind. This is for her and they are more than happy to show her around. We laugh at how she says the names of the animals. She always leaves off the first consonant. We saw "onkeys" "amels" and "urtles". It was good fun.

She left for her dad's 5 minutes ago. It never gets easier. About half an hour before she has to leave, I pack her little back pack and make sure she is looking her best. We call the kids up one at a time to say good bye. By now she knows she has to go and she starts to get weepy. We determine who will drive her home based on who is more stable that day. Tonight JayJay could tell I wasn't up to it and offered. I was grateful, my heart aches a bit too much this time.

Shit. I miss her already. About 15 minutes after she leaves I start to get panicky. Is she crying for me? Does she wake up in the night and call for me? Can she, at 2, possibly know that I want her here all the time and its not my choice that she has to be somewhere else? That I want to be there for her every minute? Last week she cut her chin open and needed stitches. It broke my heart that I wasn't there to hold her and reassure her. I tear up whenever I see the scar. It reminds me that she belongs to someone else. But if that's true, why does my heart recognize her as my daughter?

I don't dwell on my sadness. The other kids take their cues from me and if I fall apart, they might too. We all cope with the situation differently. AJ spends Sunday mornings in the nursery at church with BL. It is their hour to just enjoy eachother. Bella Rue will probably sleep with BL's blanket tonight. Keats is guaranteed to write about her in his school journal. She gets mentioned in there more than the rest of us combined. JayJay and I will quietly put away her things. Dora pj's under her pillow. Sippy cups in the dishwasher. Barney and BJ on her dresser. And her tiny pink crocs right beside my big black ones.

My life is fuller because she is in it. My children have learned that there is pain in loving, but that you have to love anyway.

I feel a little lighter already.. Maybe this is good therapy. Thanks for listening!