Here goes Nothing!!

Well, I never thought I'd be doing this!! I haven't even said anything yet and I already feel exposed. Kinda like letting someone see you naked for the first time. Not just anyone, like showering after hockey, or at the "Y". But someone who's opinion matters.



A friend of mine told me that I might enjoy this blogging business. She seems to get a lot of peace and sanity from it so I decided to give it a go.




I decided to do this today of all days because it is Sunday. Sunday is my favorite day of the week and it is also my hardest day. I spend this day with my entire family. In my troop there is myself, JayJay, AJ, Keats, Bella Rue and BL.



BL is our former foster child and now we co parent her with her bio dad. We were her first family and our intentions are to be part of her life forever. We get to spend every weekend with her and we treasure every minute.







Yesterday we went to the zoo. BL was asleep on my shoulder. Everyone was busy getting food and so I took a moment to sit on a bench with her. I breathed in her toddler scent and felt her chest rise and fall. I felt a calm and fullness that a mother only feels when all her little people are safe and happy. Strangers stopped to smile and say how sweet and content she looked. I'm so glad she finds that peace with me.

When she woke up, we took the tour. The older kids have been here so often, but they don't mind. This is for her and they are more than happy to show her around. We laugh at how she says the names of the animals. She always leaves off the first consonant. We saw "onkeys" "amels" and "urtles". It was good fun.

She left for her dad's 5 minutes ago. It never gets easier. About half an hour before she has to leave, I pack her little back pack and make sure she is looking her best. We call the kids up one at a time to say good bye. By now she knows she has to go and she starts to get weepy. We determine who will drive her home based on who is more stable that day. Tonight JayJay could tell I wasn't up to it and offered. I was grateful, my heart aches a bit too much this time.



Shit. I miss her already. About 15 minutes after she leaves I start to get panicky. Is she crying for me? Does she wake up in the night and call for me? Can she, at 2, possibly know that I want her here all the time and its not my choice that she has to be somewhere else? That I want to be there for her every minute? Last week she cut her chin open and needed stitches. It broke my heart that I wasn't there to hold her and reassure her. I tear up whenever I see the scar. It reminds me that she belongs to someone else. But if that's true, why does my heart recognize her as my daughter?



I don't dwell on my sadness. The other kids take their cues from me and if I fall apart, they might too. We all cope with the situation differently. AJ spends Sunday mornings in the nursery at church with BL. It is their hour to just enjoy eachother. Bella Rue will probably sleep with BL's blanket tonight. Keats is guaranteed to write about her in his school journal. She gets mentioned in there more than the rest of us combined. JayJay and I will quietly put away her things. Dora pj's under her pillow. Sippy cups in the dishwasher. Barney and BJ on her dresser. And her tiny pink crocs right beside my big black ones.



My life is fuller because she is in it. My children have learned that there is pain in loving, but that you have to love anyway.




I feel a little lighter already.. Maybe this is good therapy. Thanks for listening!